Monday, January 6, 2014

Fatty-itus


Okay so it’s not a resolution but maybe a revolution.  I don’t normally make resolutions, the idea is just too controlled for me and I feel it only sets me up to fail.  This year I thought I'd give it a whirl, but I kept it realistic:
1. Finish at least one writing project. 
2.  Unsubscribe to all junk email, (this will not only save me time but keep shopping temptation at bay).  
3.  Be kinder to myself (It will be impossible to do anything worthwhile without getting rid of those mean voices I have beating me up all the time).
Clear about what my promises are to myself?  Yay!  Here is my challenge:  This year I turn forty…Okay, okay 40!  I did promise myself a few years back that I would be in some sort of shape other than round or oval by the time I reached…that number.  Like everything I’ve ever done, I am a last minute sort of girl.  I work best under pressure so homework, housework, everything but planning and list making, tend to wait to the last minute.  So here we are and the countdown begins.  I have exactly seven months and eighteen days to feel better physically and it won’t be easy I’m sure.
In order to do this I have to take ownership of my bad habits, as well as my current state.  I need to be able to count on myself to take responsibility and remain accountable, something I’ve been good at avoiding.  Making it public is the first step in this process, so...
Ugly Truths:
The reasons for my current station in life are many.  I will skip the numerous emotional excuses for what started this sneak attack of padding myself, and get right to the valid reasons I’ve continued to see someone I no longer recognize.  I suffer from Fatty-itus! 
One day I woke up and was big, I mean really big.  It floored me.  I didn’t feel big, just like I don’t feel old, but there was my big body in plain sight.  I have one of those odd bodies, thin arms and legs, huge bust, no butt and a very round torso.  The bust is so large it is difficult to see anything underneath, making it easy to pretend it isn’t there, but when it starts to get awkward to reach your feet, or you want to cry when you see yourself in a picture, pretending stops being a luxury. 
Being big has changed a lot about me that wasn’t just physical.  I used to be pretty outgoing, but I find I have begun to see myself as shy. I enjoyed activities, I cringe at the thought of now, and I don't often wear make up, fix my hair or enjoy buying clothes. 
Like most misplaced youth I didn’t appreciate what I had in my glory days…yes I was one of those sad few who peeked in high school and it went downhill from there.  At a size 6 and 125 pounds, I knew what it meant to walk into a place and feel people watching you.  I never thought I was beautiful or any of that nonsense, in fact I still saw myself as big; but the energy which surrounded me sometimes was unmistakable and it was really nice.
I began 2014 a size 18 and 220 pounds.  I avoid going places, cameras, mirrors and intimacy because of shame.  When I am around others (even family), I tend to make bad jokes about my size as a defense, (sort of beat them to their own thoughts game).  I feel humiliated, lost and trapped.  I know the real me is stuck inside this padded cell, I’ve created for myself and she is dying to get out, but finding the key is not as easy as some claim it to be. 
I have tried…some attempts were halfhearted but I have tried.  There has been dieting, exercising, and praying.  Nothing worked so there was avoiding, pretending and flat out ignoring.  I’ve never found anyone that had the magic potion, who was willing to share.  So I pretty much gave up, hoping it would fix itself…but here I am and it hasn’t. 
One of my sweetie cousins posted on her social page she’d lost 37 pounds.  I was thrilled for her and optimistic for myself.  Here is someone I know, who hasn’t had surgery, didn’t pay tons of money, hasn’t worked out 24/7 and she is getting results and is still eating!!! What is her secret?  She shared with me that she was reading Primal Blue Print by Mark Sisson.  I instantly ordered my copy, and it is basically a no carbohydrate diet, which I’ve heard of.  I mean who hasn’t?  For some reason it has always seemed impossible to conceive of no bread, but this time is different. 
A few months prior to talking with my cousin I'd been telling myself I need to try cutting back on carbs and now here it is in my face, confirming the very suspicion I’ve had all along.  I’m not sure why, but I am finally ready.  So, January 1, 2014 I said bye-bye to carbs.  Have I modified things a little?  Yes.  I am not a hero in this story, just a struggling fatty.  (Oops there’s that be kind to myself thing…I’m just a struggling foodie…okay that’s a little better).
I have a few diet frozen entrees in my freezer, I’m going to finish them.  Some of them have bread, I figure I will keep those for the days I am really struggling with things.  They are low everything so maybe one give won’t take so much.  I also refuse to give up my coffee but I can limit it to one or two a day.  Then, I have a family, who is shall we say on the picky side, I still have to provide sustenance for them, so I purchased a few Atkins entrees for myself to try out, and YUMMY!  (They are great and I am satisfied). 
Today is day six, I vowed to myself to only weigh and measure on the first of each month, but this afternoon the scale was staring at me.  I was ready to get in the shower and just like chocolate will be on special days, I couldn’t resist.  I stepped up, holding my breath, and mentally coaching myself, “It’s only been six days Christy, only six days.”  But when I opened my eyes and looked down at my feet five pounds had waved good bye.  Five pounds down in six days was more than I’d hoped for. 
Yes, I realize it could be water weight but for today I choose to see it as progress.  I choose to hope this time will be different, not only because I want my husband to have the wife he deserves, and because I want my children to be able to look to me as an example, but because I deserve it. 
 
 *I will keep you posted on my progress.  For any of you who battle fatty-itus with me,  I keep you in my prayers and hope 2014 will change our lives, our habits, and our personal promises to ourselves.  Happy New Year one and all! 
*Please feel free to post your personal victories, as well as struggles, so we can support one another.
 
 
 

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